There is a fabulous scene in the movie Chicago. Richard Gere. as smarmy attorney Billy Flynn, tap dances his version of the facts, around the jury during Roxie's trial: flim flammin' them. Great scene.
I feel like I tapdance through life. Diverting with humor, placating with artwork. Through the high seas of October, this realization came to rest in my lap. A kitten of truth.
Many of us don't wear our hearts on our sleeves. We hide our hearts down deep, cushioned in the dark. That's just more tap dancing. It can't save my hearts from breaking.
I don't much care for social media. It is fun reading my friends posts. It occurs to me that social media feels like tapdancing to me.
I'm emotionally exhausted. That annoys the daylights out of me. It first happened a few years ago when there was a whole lotta crap going on around here. It was the first time in my life that I told my family that I couldn't be the strong one right then. I was depleted and am again.
There's a great comfort in seeing clearly and giving in. Falling on a fluffy quilt and resting. All of those busy brain waves shutting down and relaxing. Allowing images to flit in and out. Letting go of control. Not being afraid to hold my emotions and have a look. And I'm emotionally multi-tasking. Yikes.
I feel like I'm letting you guys down right now but I can't help it and am trying to not feel bad. You can't believe how much you all mean to me. Your comments, creativity, enthusiasm. I appreciate your caring and support.
I'm going to try blogging Tuesdays and Thursdays for a while and see how that works. I'll have the Faber-Castell posts about three times a month as well.
I made appointments for mammogram, teeth cleaning. I made a date for a lunch out with my sister. I went through my fabrics and am cleaning out. And all the while, I'm clearing my emotional burden. Stone by stone. What stays? What can I be rid of? The things that deeply wound me, I try to turn into compassion, empathy. Try. We are works in progress. Knowing this brings me great joy. I'm a learner.
There are loads of composition books to fill. I'm trying to start morning pages again.
I need to write 100 x's "I will not lose my temper" on a blackboard.
I wonder ... If I wrote that every single day in my journal, would it help? I'll get back to you.
If I have the courage to post this, I will give myself a gold star for wearing my heart on my sleeve. The pictures in this post are a few of the many people who bring me great joy.
Edit: Many thanks to Star for commenting and reminding me of my Good Vibes post.
And I do love filing posts in the Unruly Posts category of my blog. Just one of those little things.