Over the summer, I wrote this post about not being well and honoring it.
Ally commented that she is not very good at self-care. I've wondered why so many women are missing out on the tender nurture we give to so many others. And I have to guess that it's the critic at work again. The critic suggesting that if we (for instance) eat the last two pieces of bread, we aren't taking care of our families. We should leave that bread for them.
Suggest to yourself a walk, a bit of journal play, a day off without any reason at all. What is the first thing that pops to mind. A year ago, I would have said .. "oh I should be *blah, blah, blah-ing*."
Where does that little voice come from? I'm clearly thinking about this as I write because this is new territory for me. I'm really not sure. At all.
But how about it, wise readers? What do you think?
I think we're so busy taking care of others, we're too tired to do for ourselves. And as a rule we are not taught to think of our self first.
Posted by: CJ Kennedy | 02/15/2013 at 10:45 AM
That is true, CJ. Even as children, we are taught to help others first, and put ourselves second. Of course, it is subliminal initially, but it does seep into our being. I suppose, as time goes on, we confuse the idea of putting others first with helping ourselves. It does not have to be one or the other... there IS a happy medium. I have two toddlers, and quite honestly, I feel guilty sometimes when they're watching NickJr and I'm adding an embellishment to my art journal. But it is the balance that makes it work. I don't bring out all my art materials and go crazy while they're up, and if they don't want to watch tv, but want to play the toy ambulance is picking up the hurt toy one more time? I play with them. It works, but you have to work it :)
Posted by: Aloquin | 02/15/2013 at 01:27 PM
Its still hard for me even with grown and nearly-grown kids. Ive gotten better at it over the years. I think as the peace-maker amongst my siblings, it is a role Ive taken throughout.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/15/2013 at 04:37 PM
Too tired. Yes. Out of nurturing energy. Possibly if we did our self nurture first we wouldnt be so tired?
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/15/2013 at 04:37 PM
Our generation has been taught to put others first; I had a convent boarding school education so service to others was a high priority, and its a very hard habit to break, even though I am now a widow and on my own! However I have recently had a short sharp lesson on how its not always the best idea when the person you try to help is a taker and will happily suck you dry before moving on.
Its not selfish to put our needs first if the people we care for are perfectly capable of looking after themselves. This needs to be writ in stone above every kitchen sink! And engraved on our hearts! Sometimes we need to take a back step to let others grow, and to grow ourselves. As Aloquin says, its a matter of balance, in our lives and the lives of others.
Posted by: Caroline | 02/15/2013 at 06:31 PM
There was an episode of Sex & the City (a guilty pleasure - I readily admit it) that asked the question "Why are we always 'should-ing' all over ourselves?" I try to remind myself to stop. It's not attractive.
Posted by: kathy/michigan | 02/15/2013 at 07:51 PM
This is a wonderful thread you have begun to weave and I for one truly appreciate it. Remember what they say when you are preparing to take off on a flight - when the oxygen mask falls, place YOURS on first, so you are able to put the child's mask on afterward. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST - it is not selfish, it is self care. Such hard lessons we women must learn. And we truly need to DO it, so as to teach the younger gen that it is the right thing to do. Set the right example. Not do as I say, but do as I DO.
Posted by: Terry | 02/15/2013 at 08:02 PM
I think this is a problem that will soon disappear. those of us who were raised with the "responsible" attitude are fast fading away. Look at the under 25 age group! Are they worrying about others or daily responsibilities? Not much!All women today have a very full plate when it comes to must do and little time for want to do!We have to set aside some time to breathe, enjoy and even laugh a bit. I have time in the afternoon set aside to play with paper and paint. then the rest of the day goes well!
Posted by: lyle Baxter | 02/16/2013 at 07:38 AM
As many people have already said as women we are encultured from toddlerhood to take care of others even to the point of being responsible for other people's feelings. We say one thing to young women but we model something else for them by our behavior. Then many of us become mothers and we truly are responsible 100% for a little persons life. Biologically we are programed to be nurturers which is not a bad thing but our culture had dealt us a heavy load also. I hear young mothers complaining about exactly the same thing we complained in the 60 and 70"s-unfair share of the responsibilities.
I used to do co-dependency lectures with groups and always used the example of us being pitchers of water who keep pouring water for other people. Soon we HAVE to fill our own pitchers or we have no water to pour for others. Thank you for the forum to air my opinion.
Posted by: Jessica Porterfield | 02/16/2013 at 09:47 AM
I think we are trained from childhood to put ourselves second. Reality is that if we take care of ourselves we will have more to give to those we love and care about. We feel better physically, emotionally and spiritually when we take care of ourselves.
Children are so happy because they play. We need to play too. My art journal is my playground. Friday I was having a down day. When I got home from work I played in my art journal and I went to bed last night feeling nurtured, happy and content. There was no one here but me. The act of creating and playing made all the difference for me. I hope you will play a little everyday. It's the best medicine in the world!
Posted by: Boo | 02/16/2013 at 11:37 AM
It's hereditary. I look back at what my mum did for me and I remember thinking as a teenager that she should be doing it differently - that I would not be so like her. That she should have thought of herself at times.
How come I am doing it the same?
Where am I?
Posted by: Leonie | 02/17/2013 at 02:31 AM
Sadly it took a life altering change 14 years ago for me to really focus on looking out for myself first ... without extra focus and care I might not have survived. The classic example that often comes to mind for me is when you are on an airplane and they tell you to administer oxygen to yourself first if you are traveling with a child. A favorite stamp of mine is "Art helps me breathe" ... playing and connecting with nature always renew my spirit.
Brightest of Blessings to all
oxo
Posted by: ~*~ Patty | 02/17/2013 at 05:45 PM
I agree with Patty. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to get us to change our focus. Self care and self indulgence are 2 different things in my way of thinking. Self care is spiritual as well as physical nuturing. Love your blog, Diane. Thanks for your effort.
Posted by: Carla Mazzone | 02/19/2013 at 07:41 PM
Balance, yes. And doing small things for yourself is difficult. Im hoping that my daughter does a better job of it than I did. Thanks for your story, Caroline. Im glad it is here for folks to read
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 05:33 PM
Tee hee :) NOT attractive, you are right-on! And self deprecating and saying Oh (this thing I did or said), is awful. Thank you Kathy!
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 05:34 PM
So amazing that you mention that, Terry! Ive thought of it every time I have flown anywhere with my kids. (not often :) Wondered if I could have actually put on my own mask first when my kids may have been gasping. I think there are instincts that come with motherhood that would make that particular situation REALLY difficult. It goes against instincts. But, what is instinct and what is social conditioning? Thank you for this. It bears more thinking about
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 05:40 PM
I hope you are right! I hope that my daughter has learned from me: not to be self-centered (because she isnt) but to be as nurturing to self as she is to those around her. Motherhood changes women
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 05:42 PM
The pitcher of water metaphor is very nice, Jessica. Somehow, we need to sort out our instinctive behaviour to the social innoculation we are dealt. Ive daughter my daughter many time to not do what I did at Christmas time. It has really wrecked the holiday for me. They all had a wonderful time and it took me most of January to recuperate. That is definitely social.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 06:06 PM
Yes, a playground. That is exactly how I view my journal. When my kids were very small they got used to seeing me sketching and playing in it. Sometimes they wanted to make a little drawing in there and, of course, I let them. How I treasure those pages now. I think that they learned from that too - Moms playground.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 06:08 PM
That is very interesting, Leonie. My mother died when I was 11 so I didnt have a chance to model my behaviour really. I made it up as I went along. BUt I hear many MANY women saying exactly that.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 06:10 PM
Yes, I think that oxygen on the airplane example is really excellent. Someone else mentioned it and it sent off a bunch of bells. Im sorry it took a life changing event for you. Ive had a few and it took broken ribs, a sprained ankle and a bulging disk in my back in a nine month period (last year) to finally get my attention. I think Ive wised up.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 06:28 PM
Thank you Carla. Yes, to tell the difference between the two is difficult. I think the harder thing though is to really think ... what can I do for myself. I got a haircut today - long overdue.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/20/2013 at 06:29 PM
Hey Diana,
Just coming in a little late to this discussion. I am on this journey of 'self-care' and have been quite intentionally for the last 5 years. Something that has helped a lot has been Cheryl Richardson's book "Extreme Self-Care". There is something that is so ingrained in some of us that we hardly recognise it until it is pointed out and it takes time to unlearn behaviour that is so deeply entrenched but it can happen when we are intentional about it. Self-care is a healthy attitude to oneself and being mindful about our needs. Happy to be journeying with you and all your wonderful art!
Posted by: sheila | 02/23/2013 at 04:57 PM
Ill check out that book, Sheila. It sounds interesting. So glad you chimed in. I think that Im on that self-care journey now too. Just feeling my way into it.
Posted by: Diana Trout | 02/28/2013 at 10:11 PM