Tap Dancing

There is a fabulous scene in the movie Chicago. Richard Gere. as smarmy attorney Billy Flynn, tap dances his version of the facts, around the jury during Roxie's trial: flim flammin' them. Great scene. 

I feel like I tapdance through life. Diverting with humor, placating with artwork. Through the high seas of October, this realization came to rest in my lap. A kitten of truth.

Many of us don't wear our hearts on our sleeves. We hide our hearts down deep, cushioned in the dark. That's just more tap dancing. It can't save my hearts from breaking.

Aunt Betty and Aunt Helen Before Aunt Helen Moved Closer to Her Family

I don't much care for social media. It is fun reading my friends posts. It occurs to me that social media feels like tapdancing to me. 

I'm emotionally exhausted. That annoys the daylights out of me. It first happened a few years ago when there was a whole lotta crap going on around here. It was the first time in my life that I told my family that I couldn't be the strong one right then. I was depleted and am again.

There's a great comfort in seeing clearly and giving in. Falling on a fluffy quilt and resting. All of those busy brain waves shutting down and relaxing. Allowing images to flit in and out. Letting go of control. Not being  afraid to hold my emotions and have a look. And I'm emotionally multi-tasking. Yikes.

The COO and Our Shadows on the Beach at Brigantine NJ

I feel like I'm letting you guys down right now but I can't help it and am trying to not feel bad. You can't believe how much you all mean to me. Your comments, creativity, enthusiasm. I appreciate your caring and support.

I'm going to try blogging Tuesdays and Thursdays for a while and see how that works. I'll have the Faber-Castell posts about three times a month as well.

My Kids and I Snuck Out to a Bookstore One Day

I made appointments for mammogram, teeth cleaning. I made a date for a lunch out with my sister. I went through my fabrics and am cleaning out. And all the while, I'm clearing my emotional burden. Stone by stone. What stays? What can I be rid of? The things that deeply wound me, I try to turn into compassion, empathy. Try. We are works in progress. Knowing this brings me great joy. I'm a learner. 

There are loads of composition books to fill. I'm trying to start morning pages again.

I need to write 100 x's "I will not lose my temper" on a blackboard.
I wonder ... If I wrote that every single day in my journal, would it help? I'll get back to you.

If I have the courage to post this, I will give myself  a gold star for wearing my heart on my sleeve. The pictures in this post are a few of the many people who bring me great joy. 

Edit: Many thanks to Star for commenting and reminding me of my Good Vibes post. 

And I do love filing posts in the Unruly Posts category of my blog. Just one of those little things.

Comments

[Star]

I have something in my clipping file from July 10, 2015, that I refer to once in a while, but think about surprisingly often. It is titled Good Vibes. It talks about accepting ourselves as we are, about being open to opportunities for joy (and presumably other things), and about being there for one another however unexpected it may be. That clipping came from Diana Trout's blog.

Praying for personal strength for each of us as we meet the challenges of this day and those ahead, and for the strength of others when we feel we can't rise up.

[Mary H]

The first thing is to take care of yourself.

[Mary W.]

This is a beautiful post, Diana. Feeling something like this was what lead me to art journaling. Feeling this way also always seems to lead someplace unexpected and great! For me, it lead to meeting you and Barbara and I am so grateful. Can't wait to see you on Saturday and give you a big hug.

[Barbara M]

I’m giving you a gold star, too, for being brave and open enough to post what is on your mind right now. It brought tears to my eyes because I know you and care about you and mostly because I needed someone to open the emotional door that I’ve had sealed shut for the last three and a half weeks. Thank you, my friend. I’ll see you and Mary on Saturday.

[joy meadows]

Diana, this was a very moving post. All of us have our ups and downs that make us who we are. I have had a very up and down 2017, but I hope to make 2018 more up than down! Sending you a big hug!

[Sharon Field]

Diana,
You, by NO MEANS are letting your followers down in any way. Take all the time you need for yourself and do what brings you joy. You have had some pretty significant changes in your life in the last few months, or maybe even longer than that so take care of yourself FIRST and allow the people around you to help in any way that they can. I look forward to any posts that you feel you can do. May God bless you with His comfort and peace.

[Donna]

You never need to apologize, Diana! You give so much but this is a time to be as kind to yourself as you are to others. At one time or another I think everyone reaches that place where they have to step back and recharge all their batteries, physical, mental and emotional. Take care of YOU!

[cynthia]

Sending hugs. One thing we all need is to take care of ourselves. Giving ourselves time to relax, recover and refill our energy tanks is so very important. Take all the time you need to find your peace and joy. We all love you. Thanks so much for sharing so we can send love to you.

[Jenny]

Oh Diana...hugs hugs hugs to you. thank you for being brave and sharing your heart with us. i hope you will dedicate a page in one of those composition books to a sleeve, with hearts on the cuff, and lots of gold stars! maybe even print this post, tuck it in an envelope and add it to the gold star page. Hang up those tap dancing shoes, fall into that fluffy quilt and do whatever you need to do ---- for YOU! (sometimes, i'd like to pin a sign on my shirt that says "fragile-handle with care")

we have bumps, bruises, aches and pains in our bodies, and i think we have those same things happen to us in our emotions. unfortunately, we can't use a heating pad, or slap some ointment and a band aid on the hurts, the pain, the grief and sadness we feel inside. but we know when something happens to us physically, we need time to recover, we need time to heal before we can go on. i think the same has to be true when it comes to our emotions.

imagine if i had fallen down, twisted my ankle and was on crutches, and yet i still felt like i had to do all the things i normally do in a day. that's ridiculous. and yet, if something has hurt me, upset me, or broken my heart, i feel like i need to stuff it down and just push through. (tap dance my way around it) your post really got me to thinking tonight. i think we all could benefit with being a little more gentle with ourselves, giving ourselves permission to go easier on ourselves....

i'll be thinking of you Diana and sending good thoughts. be good to yourself. do whatever you need to do, whatever is best for you :) hugs xo (great pictures, tfs)

[Emie]

Thank you for this. If we could just learn to treat ourselves as we'd treat others... TFS

[Diana Trout]

Jenny, thanks so much. If we can’t see the hurt, it’s difficult to acknowledge. I hope we can all take steps toward healing. I love your ideas! I think that is on my to do list today. Studio Day all day! Yeah!

[Diana Trout]

Oh my goodness, Star. You comment touched me very deeply. I went back and read it and added the link to this blogpost. Meeting that woman in Trader Joe’s was one of the most magical moments of my life. Thanks for reminding me!

[Diana Trout]

That sounds right but it’s always the last thing on my list. LOL. I’m trying, Thanks Mary

[Diana Trout]

Oh Mary! You are a lovely woman. I agree. Art takes me to a place where time doesn’t exist. It’s where I plan to spend today. And Yeah! See you Saturday!

[Diana Trout]

I've been thinking about you a lot lately too. Always sending good thoughts. See you tomorrow - that'll cheer us up.

[Diana Trout]

Thanks Joy. Thinking good thoughts and sending them your way.

[Diana Trout]

Thanks so much, Sharon.